sw00813ekua-page8

Edges of Knowledge


Wednesday 2002-09-11     5:29pm
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Attended Mass this morning at St. Patrick.

This afternoon in the mailbox
a sympathy card from Fr. Ed;
I--in my usual slow manner--
wrote back immediately.  Yes,
I also pray God may begin
a new day for me
"full of hope and light."


Saturday 2002-09-14     3:58pm
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Dear God,
                as You are aware,
on July 18th (at 9:38pm, so it was officially noted)
the spirit of the woman who had been my companion
37+ years moved on; and while I believe I have been
forgiven, I still can not get it out of my head--
because I know--that if I had been more rational
and had had better insights/ I would have made
better choices than I did, choices that would have
made her life with me happier than it was, choices
which might very well have lengthened her earthly
sojourn, not because such is in itself good, but
because she would have wanted it so.  Dear God,
here today, as in every day hence I remain in my
earthly sojourn, I again ask Your forgiveness--
even if such asking often seems to me vapid--for
the wrong choices I have made, especially those
which were bad for Janice.


Tuesday 2002-09-17     7:44pm
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Four major accomplishments today:
1. Got a proper original mobile home title,
      one put in my name only.
2. Got answers I needed from IRS.
3. Began ninth section of my Meanderings
      of an Amateur Mathematician 2:
      Number Theory Investigations.
4. Finally got my Norton Antivirus 2002
      properly registered by using Symantec's
      online customer service registration screens.


Wednesday 2002-09-18     5:30pm
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What an afternoon regarding a certain debt!
For days I have been atwitch in my brain
trying to figure out how to approach it.
Yesterday I came across a San Diego
company I felt I could comfortably question.
This afternoon I called.  The man who 
answered/ led me to the Clerk of Courts
here in Gainesville.  The woman there
gave me several solacing responses.
I had been wanting to call the debt
collection agency, but still did not know
what I would say; then, a man at the
debt collection agency called me.  I,
several minutes later, decided to call
him back.  The further information he
gave me made indicate to him I might
try to save up enough to close the account.
We shall see now what God wills; or, that
is, I might not see, but someone surely will.


Friday 2002-09-27     11:36am
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Last night, while sitting on the toilet in the
"den" bathroom behind, I got frightened by
a dark bee(?)/ hornet(?)/ wasp(?) that flew up
over my back.  I tried to get it with an empty
pet glove box about 9 times but the door to
the bathroom was not tightly shut; so, when
the door got nudged, the thing flew out and
over toward the window.  Closing the door, I
glanced behind me, and was stopped by a bit
of shit resting on the toilet seat.  I/
cleaned (sic) it (sic) off.  The hidden presence
of the dark insect unsettled me.  As soon as I
was able to, I went to the sofa bed to retrieve
the orange flyswatter.  Though I off-and-on
searched, I never saw the bug again.  I/
slept with the flyswatter next to me.

This morning, while eating my cereals with
banana at the kitchen counter, I felt/ at an
empty distance.  Medicines I am reluctant
to take, foods I am not sure will settle well,
a deepening despondence over errant choices
I have made, the continuing uncertainty about
who I am and who I ought to strive to be:  I
don't know/ I just don't know/ I just don't
know anymore/ I just don't, hooked my brain.
Then I noticed the dark thing on the kitchen's
large window.  I picked up the swatter.  I
wacked at the thing till it fell on the floor:
where I swatted it dead.  But in order to be
sure--and because I would need to put it in
the waste "can" anyhow--I folded a section of
paper toweling, picked the creature (there in
two parts: one that might have been its head)
up, and scrunched it inside.  Immediately
again:  Perhaps that is how one day I will
die, caught my brain.  Perhaps, as I had done
on occasion, I should have found a way to
capture it and gotten it back outside,  (Out in
our yard one day in Fond du Lac, when I was
a kid--though I didn't have an allergic reaction
to it, a bee stung me.)  I peered once more at
the "Janice" spider, which had fashioned a web
underneath the dinette table, but along about
this past September 11th had suddenly fallen
from the table's pole, and--though I was not
fairly certain until a week or so later--died
on the floor.  And even considering/ that/ that
Aztecan arachnid/ might not have stuck any,
the tiny black flies are back at the garbage.


Thursday 2002-10-10     7:46pm
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Today I completed my internal change (though
I am becoming less and less sure of what day it
is/ because certain physical manifestations are
making me less and less sure of my sanity) from
[into unto] to [thinking lizard]. [Into unto] is the
sacred site in my i-b-n-a-r kingdom, and now it
can be solely that.  [Thinking lizard] is my site
for in-depth searching, for boundary extending,
for publishing/ whether or not anyone cares
who I am or what I do.


Monday 2002-10-14     11:17pm (wall clock time)
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Late this morning my life passed through an
eerie incident.  I had worked all night doing
the front desk audit at GNVUC and/ I was
extremely tired.  I had been standing at the
kitchen counter finishing a bowl of cereal
when I decided to move away from there
for a reason I do not recall.  What I do
recall is waking in front of the recliner
Janice spent most of her out-of-bed hours in
the last several months or her life here/ and
falling backwards towards the left (almost
as if I had been pushed), clipping & knocking
the table lamp onto the floor while I was
in route to the floor.  Once there/ I looked 
back & upwards: the wall clock read 11:18/
which immediately meant to me it must have
been 11:17am just before (or as) I awoke.
  A week or so ago I injured the middle
finger of my left hand, an injury I felt
mostly in the upper knuckle.  Around 8am at
the hotel/ the soreness in my finger seemed
to be mostly between the knuckles.  After
my fall/ the finger no longer felt sore.
  For several months before the sad awakening
of 9/11/01 Janice and I/ had taken to noticing
11:11am on the wall clock.  And even after,
we often did.  When I turned this computer on/
the wall clock read: 11:11pm.  (This computer's
clock is two minutes ahead of the wall clock.)
  Since 9/11/01 both 11 and 17 have--for me--
become exceedingly special.  Yet, even after
yesterday's experiences, I am still not really
certain why.  (It is now 12:40am 10/15/02
wall clock time.)




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Brian A. J. Salchert