From 3:14 PM beyond 5:30 PM/ thunderstorms were coursing through this city. For most of that time I had my computer system unplugged, but I had slowly been constructing a post over at my Rho- blog, and so I was constantly checking the online weather map I use; and when it appeared there would not be much more rain, I went back on and completed my post. Have been trying to rid myself of stacks of old mail, and that is the project I was working on during the storms. Early on I saw the thickest bolt of lightning I've ever witnessed zap in the distance, and for a short while the winds were whipping the rain nearly flat. Three tornadoes did some damage in and near small towns. One farmer was blown about forty feet through the air, but dropped into soft grass. Brian A. J. Salchert 2008-03-31
Thinking Lizard
About Me
- brian (baj) salchert
- Rhodingeedaddee is my node blog. See my other blogs and recent posts.
Monday, March 31, 2008
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Sunday, March 30, 2008
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Good morning. My being here is a bit of a surprise since thunderstorms passed through Springfield during the night and today and tomorrow are forecast to be rain days. This is the first Sunday after Easter. Went back to reading my Lawrence Grant White translation of Dante's Comedy. Read seven sections of the Paradiso. Also read some more pages of Art and the Intellect by Harold Taylor. Both of these books I have read before, but years ago. words from one of my unpublished journals Each human is unique. Each human is a creature who thinks and a creature who feels. And some of the deepest human feelings are fueled by beliefs: beliefs that should not despise uniqueness, but often do; beliefs that should not cancel thought, but often do. I know that the ability to feel is just as necessary for our species' survival as the ability to think. I know the reptile brain in each of us is quicker to act than the new brain. // But I also know that howevermuch the flames of feelings, and all too often negative ones, rise from our moralities, the cores of the great moralities of this planet favor the flames of positive feelings, feelings possible only for those who are able and willing to honor thought: Jesus of Nazareth's, for example, when He urges us to love not only our neighbors but also our enemies. Please: whenever you and I disdain others, we first of all disdain ourselves; whenever you and I disdain others, we are saying that it is all right for others likewise to disdain us; whenever you and I disdain others, we join those forces that disdain humanity. The less we are willing to live with each other, the more we will have to die with each other. 1983 Brian A. J. Salchert 2008-03-30
Saturday, March 29, 2008
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Here's some information about daily water, sodium, and potassium intake from an August 2004 post at News-Medical. - Here's an alkaline/acidic foods chart from the Wolfe clinic. Brian A. J. Salchert 2008-03-29
Friday, March 28, 2008
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Last night late while winds whoed into & under my bedroom window/ I read 12 and 13 of Dante's Paradiso. As usual, I spent much of the day bouncing from blog to blog, leaving a comment at one of them. Also did some research on the "intentional fallacy' and the "affective fallacy" as I needed to refresh my memory. Slowly I am getting recharged regarding poetics. Nada Gordon interviews Benjamin Friedlander Brian A. J. Salchert 2008-03-28
Thursday, March 27, 2008
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Matthew Barney is a sculptor who has had what I class as a charmed life. See Wikipedia article. From www.sfmoma.org this about him: ". . . exploring the notion that form emerges through struggle against resistance." * thank you, l. q. Brian A. J. Salchert 2008-03-27
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
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The last two days a post at a blog I visit has moved me to comment twice beneath that post/ and to spend several hours last night researching via G- the topic "immanent critique"/ and also to add links in my Rho- list to two .com sites. Since around WW1 this planet has slithered into a cavern of contradictions of such force that the gyroscopes of the teeming humans upon it are consistently askew. Brian A. J. Salchert 2008-03-26
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
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Have been busy with other projects the last several days. This morning at money.aol.com/ this: Most Common Tax Scams Placed the final page of brians brain 2000 up yesterday on my bajsalchert blogspot blog. Have been reading many things online, and posting comments. Most of that has been done at poetry blogs, particularly the Poetry Foundation Harriet blogs. If you would like to read and vote on poems, Andrew Shields has an ongoing project for doing so. Brian A. J. Salchert 2008-03-25
Saturday, March 22, 2008
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Venturings The Guardian How shall he sing with dangled tongue Our vibrant warrior roundelay; War in rags and sleep in dung; Scurry as though the bees had stung, When we are other cares away? "How can his back be glad, though wrung," Where he must sing with dangled tongue Our vibrant warrior roundelay And pommel jungles in dismay Or cough up sand from stifled lung Or butted, fall to naked clay? Oh how in that foul disarray, How shall he sing with dangled tongue Our vibrant warrior roundelay? (????) - Brian A. J. Salchert
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Venturings Holy Saturday 2008-03-22 And though He had not yet risen, the Lord Jesus went to that place wherein He would interact with certain waiting human spirits, telling them that the time was near for them to be taken from there into that realm beyond the need for patient hope and ardent faith And I am not and I am not and I am not and I am not and I am not and I am not and I am not and I am not and I am not and I am not and I am not and I am not and I am not and I am not until I am alive in Love ! Brian A. J. Salchert
Friday, March 21, 2008
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Not all blog previews are trustworthy. The preview where my other blog is does not tell the truth. The preview where I regularly comment does not tell the truth. Why? Those who programmed those previews ought to know, and they ought to know how to program them so they tell the truth. Although I can learn how to work around such faulty previews, previews which do not tell the truth irk me. Given these facts, it is just as well AOL Journals does not provide previews. Brian A. J. Salchert 2008-03-21
Thursday, March 20, 2008
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Sprintedon Tracker has been discontinued. Diary, though it may not be daily, is replacing it. d = diary In mulling over projects, there's a chance I may stop posting poems of mine after I sense Seminary, The Undulant Trees, and Venturings have ended. Have begun a new project, but it will remain a penned poem. Am not even sure I will be able to complete it. All day Tuesday it was windy and rainy with scattered storms. Brian A. J. Salchert 2008-03-20
Sunday, March 16, 2008
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Read the Gospel of Matthew 26.36 - 27.60 __|__ | | Entry2649 [ Note: 26 + 36 + 27 + 60 = 149 = 100 + 49 ] [ Note: This weekend I remained in my apartment, but I brought the missal I had been given when I was in a Jesuit Noviate 46+ years ago/ into my den/bedroom, and placed it at the foot of the bed. At that point in the reading where Jesus expires/ an instruction tells one to kneel and pause. I, carefully, knelt, and then looked up. The time on/ the clock I've placed on the bedboard's top shelf/ was 1:10 PM. At 1:11 PM I carefully rose. For those of you who do not know this about me: some years back 1:11 (both AM and PM) became for me God times. ]
Saturday, March 15, 2008
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The Undulant Trees 5 AM In the distance herorrrrrm herorrrrrm a coal train passing through Springfield MO and then nearby cheep cheep cheep a robin wakes the night & I I keep my self in bed white low brown eyes hid - Brian A. J. Salchert
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
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Dark (The End of a Culture) Rats' tails rats' tails they're comin' they're comin' e-e-e-e-e NO! they're comin' dark I saw a bloodied baby, his left ear almost gone; his throat a punctured song. And whistles fly from the corner bricks, and dead leaves freak in the wind. A man in white and crimson has turned down 7th Ave.; he knows just what I have. It won't buy me a ticket to God or get me home; its clouds blot out the sun. And whistles fly from the corner bricks, and dead leaves freak in the wind. Some say the Beauty's coming, some say the Devil's Beast; some fast, some splurge and feast. Some think a dude like me should be pummelled dead as dust; some think that I should run. And whistles fly from the corner bricks, and dead leaves freak in the wind. The news is spread for garbage and stuffed in drafty holes; our heads have lost their souls. The church that makes the money is still thought number one; but this MAN tradition's done. And whistles fly from the corner bricks, and dead leaves freak in the wind. I saw a bloodied baby, her right ear almost gone; her throat a punctured song. Rats' tails rats' tails they're comin' they're comin' e-e-e-e-e NO! they're comin' dark 1974-11-30 Brian Salchert 2008-03-11
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Friends Morning glories climbing high, patterned pieces of the sky: oh why do I, dear, find them so entrancing when ev'- ry day I see them soft- ly dancing? When we were both in seventh grade I barely knew my body's ways, so made it seem I wanted you and no one else. (Chorus) When we were both in junior high my body knew it wanted guys, but couldn't make my heart believe that wasn't hell. (Chorus) Now we have both to each to each been married for ten altered years, and I am out but still with you for we are friends. Morning glories climbing high, patterned pieces of the sky: I know why I, dear, find them so entrancing though ev'- ry day I see them soft- ly dancing. 1975 Brian Salchert 2008-03-11
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Lucy Well he found her in the back where the railroad track took a little turn and the switch engine came and the switch engine went at a slow burn and you could hear its whistle every time for the road ahead and the road behind but you'd never know when he would be seen with his Lucy again Oh oh oh bubbles in the water bubbles in the air I had some dreams once I wanted to share but just as I woke up bang bang bang they popped Now he thought that was her horse that had eased off course chewing flowers down where the Sims' gulley fell near his dad's town and you could hear it whistle every while like a fear that stares or a fear that smiles but you'd never know when he would be seen with his Lucy again (Chorus) Yes he kissed her in the field while the tractor's wheels toasted in the sun and the boys happened in and the boys happened out with their toy guns and you could hear them whistle every night for the dream begun for the dreaming done but you'd never know when he would be seen with his Lucy again (Chorus) 1975 Brian Salchert 2008-03-11
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Say Hi to the World (Chorus) Say hi to the world Say-ay hi hi hi hi-i Say hi to the world Say-ay hi hi hi hi-i There's a blue sky rising there's a warm breeze playing there's a good day rolling there a new bird preening (Chorus) There are bright eyes talking there are sweet tongues kissing there are wise hearts telling what is worth our keeping (Chorus) There are people moving there are people standing there are people marching there are people spending (Chorus) There are times to fathom there are thoughts to open there are dreams to father there are wills to ocean (Chorus) I will spring my being and become full summer then in fall walk blazing to my mystic winter (Chorus) (Chorus) 1975 Brian Salchert 2008-03-11
Monday, March 10, 2008
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Young Ones I Knew Who Died My father asked me who had chopped on the maple I looked at him in surprise We found out & I told him I would tell them we were angry & that they'd have to chop it all down if it died But I only told Bob not Jerry and later that summer he was gone He had fallen to leukemia in the bed house a baseball trophy by his side A young one I knew who died Some summers later another Jerry out in left The last time I saw him in the sky He had jumped up to snag a zinging baseball What a wonder His catch sparkled in the eye But a few days after he was hunting when suddenly he stood in the boat and his uncle accidentally let his gun fire a bullet in the back of Jerry's coat A young one I knew who died Now last night my Janice reading somewhere in the paper found a Dale who had worked at the inn A skier I remember as she told me where he'd gone to: near Slinger at Little Switzerland And I wonder what went through his head as the truck rumbled closer to their car though I know what he wished may not matter and the living need to live with their scars A young one I knew who died Young ones I knew who died 1975 Brian Salchert 2008-03-10
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Venturings Commencement Still must I contend with vanity, and lose. For certain matters matter past all will, And though a poet would desire to die In purer worlds and there renew his life, The paradox reverses in its time. So days like this bring scratchings on a page With more important scribblings of mistakes, What then? But questions are irrelevant, The patron says. And so this little frame Sweats out its dusty task and cultivates A desert for his race, and so this youth Expends some thousand minutes swinging blanks Against a vaporous crowd; and so, at last, He really dies (his brothers will not miss Him though a few may hang his picture on Their inner walls); yet there's the patron, friend, And even if I were an angel low There'd be a ceiling to repair, a cell Which I could not escape but by a hard And satisfactory epic sky and cramps An old marine would rather not recall. But I procrastinate, as all our pseud- O intellectuals say. I must begin. Four years for most; still, nothing has an end, And we are what we make and what makes us; And if our senses slice through every realm Or every realm attacks and slashes them, Those days that rolled the snow across our eyes Or dropped the sun a certain million miles Are both our gain and never once our loss. How I despise these platitudes I raise Though they may well be truer than we feel (A spider's web could say as much; perhaps Much more); but there's the patron, sir, and though A mallow or a friendly wink would soothe In better ways anachronistic bones As these of mine, the world must check and mate Me if I ever hint at such a move. A grave iconoclasm now prevails Which, somehow, each of us must shatter out: But there are years and trees and many births-- Yet not a billionth of a spark of time-- For us. So where is our commencement won If not beyond these wrinkled vines, if not Beyond these growing stones, if not beyond? Someone will speak of orbs to us, but we Do not want orbs but herbs; but we do not Want herbs but love: learning all our lives. (1965-1982) - Brian A. J. Salchert
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Venturings Stages One day when I was tricycling free through air And summer came the "whom" of drums, the "where" Of brass. Wonder wheeling response to both, I prayed they would march till distance was bare; Prayed they would march till melodious growth-- Mysterious as the varying shade I peddled through--could no longer be loath To share its faraway goads, goads who played Near railroad yards in suits of blood and blade. And again today I remember fields Whose star-white blooms brought o strawberry yields We sunk ourselves into with laughing joy; We plucked, we pressed, we smeared. How wild the wields Of berries crushed! How cool and pink each boy! Neat screams: chaste girls who ran through weeds; who fell On clumps of razor grass: new queens of Troy For us to save, new tears to wipe on hell. How soon we lost our hearts beneath that spell! So, as eleven solar orbits turned Me toward a special pine, those hopes I spurned On music's board began, somehow, on art's To climb; and I, rejoicing, deeply yearned The miracle of canvas life. My heart's Impatience gathered oils. My fingers strained For the mixing knife; grasped released the darts That tell. . . . And so I brushed and stained My tree: all that was lost; all that was gained. But time allowed another turn, and I Allowed my paints to crack till knowing why The notes would not; nor would the brushes' strokes, Long last. For days this self, a foreign sigh, Appeared to be, as if a webbing's spokes Destroyed by some invader hard about And the webber forced to hide, spinning jokes For its survival, jokes which could not shout: Each word must be a pebble ringing out. (1964-197?) - Brian A. J. Salchert
Thursday, March 6, 2008
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Edges of Knowledge Thursday 2003-08-28 - Passing through difficult hours (days). After eating my "Meals on Wheels" gift this noon, I made a second call to J. L. at E. S., telling him I was about to take a rest because I was still tired from the 9:15pm Tuesday and the 9:15pm Wednesday difficulties-- all of which may be true but now seems to me not accurate in the details/ as I "think" I am getting my days mixed up. At 3:11pm I was awakened by tromping winds. I noted the A/C was on and a small branch with new leaves from my "drop-drop" tree was in the lot next to the back steps. That the thermostat temp read above 80 surprised me some since I felt cold, but I let it be. I went to the den, then into the restroom; then unplugged the three lines I routinely unplug when a heavy storm is about. I then got into my jacket and returned to the kitchen/ where I opened a tube of Ritz crackers, removing eight to a bowl. Back in the den/ I took my multivitamin with water and those crackers. The storm tromped on and no new one seemed likely to take its place; so at 4:11pm I plugged/ up again. Saturday 2003-08-30 - Janice--several years ago--told me to throw away the 2 heart-shaped Valentine balloons on sticks/ I had stationed at the top corners of the metal shelving here in the den nearest the doorway to the living area/ no matter they had not in the least deflated. (The Sam-set for 4:14pm Topamax watch is waking the creatures asleep on the sofa-bed.) At last I did: first to a waste basket near the TV, and today to the large kitchen basket, where--after a time--I removed their sticks, lightly knifed their internal inflations, and quartered their poles. Pride, Jesus, You know how I am beset with/ a dikydak pride. Monday 2003-09-01 - Admittedly, I had been considering doing so for some time, but yesterday--by a curious yet binding turn of activities, I took my spirit to St. Augustine and his Confessions. The web-site I decided to enter--. If it happens you are not aware 32 is a central number in my life, and, 16, collaterally is--. According to the information given there, Augustine of Hippo was 32 when he became a true Christ-follower--a conversion his mother St. Monica had been praying for for many years--and also that one of the chapters in his autobiofraphy centers on his 16th year. Sunday 2003-09-14 - [ Note: this entry consists of two poems, both of which are now in my in-progress Venturings book of mostly poems. Therefore, I'm going to place links to each of them here instead of placing each poem here. ] A Cardinal of Consciousness ***** *** *** ***** Sunday 2003-09-21 - Yesterday, after not having done so in a long while, I washed my hair; and J. C., with the aid of another, started building a shed. I'd planned to go out, but I was so tired. I fell asleep several times during lunch. One time/ I tried to highlight/ a few front hairs with sardine oil. It didn't occur to me until today that 9, 20, & 3 add to 32, and 32 adds to 5. I have a semi-habit of checking the heat pump thermostat before going to bed. Sometimes I turn it off. I don't have it set to blow warm. Normally it will start between 10am and 1pm. I knew it was going to much sooner this morning because the temp stayed high last night. At 7:11 (by this den's clock) it came on. Sprinkles!: 10:39am. Three scoops of yogurt and a slice of blue pie replaced my usual breakfast this morning. Another strange day: as most are. I might be back. Friday 2003-09-26 - Nothing - Brian A. J. Salchert
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
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A Snow Song The snow is falling, The snow is falling, Like white fluffy quarters All over the ground. The snow is falling, The snow is falling, Like white fluffy quarters All over the ground. The snow is falling, The snow is falling, Like white fluffy quarters All over the ground. I want to go out, And I want to play. I want to dance in The sno-ow today. Yes, I want to go out, And I want to play-ay-ay, And I want to dance in The sno-ow today. I want to prance in The sno-ow today. I want to angel The sno-ow today. [ The above could all be repeated three times, but not necessarily the same way musically. There's a melody in my head for this which--as it usually does--came before the words did; however, that melody (even with its last line changes) may be the melody for a song whose words I don't remember. I at first thought it might be a song whose words were in German. This song's words (lyrics) began arriving shortly after 7:30 AM, and its title came later. While I was looking out my bed den window after 7 AM/ fluffy flakes did fall. ] Brian A. J. Salchert 2008-03-04
Sunday, March 2, 2008
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Edges of Knowledge Sunday 2003-06-29 - For the last several years now, I have been trying especially hard to identify the Lord's passing (i.e., of-the-moment) signals to me, particularly when a harmless error is involved. Sometimes, I feel in my heart, I do identify His signals. Last Thursday, however, on the van ride home from Epilepsy Services, I--as I see it now-- failed to. It happened there was another passenger. Usually I am the only one. It also happened the driver had never taken me home before, and so was in need of a few directions. Then the passenger called out/ she was bleeding and wanted to be taken back, but the driver told me the place she had come from was now closed. Then the driver missed a turn, and I told her she did/ immediately; so she zipped into a parking lot to turn around. There: we were being shaded by some/ rather large trees, and there is the place where I/ missed my Lord's signal. I should have had the driver stop for a few seconds/ if I could not get right away what my Lord was telepathing. Even though the drive from there to where I live is short, I feel I ought to have talked the van driver into checking the woman passenger's bleeding/ at that place. Friday 2003-07-11 - 6pm is nigh, and I am feeling hungry again. Do not know what it is, but every Friday lately I find myself thinking it is Saturday, or even Sunday. This Friday I actually did get to Publix. After I finish eating I will need to return to my letter to jls. I realize God may take one of us from this plane before any new connection between us occurs. One paragraph in that letter may soon no longer be there, but it will be here. Yes, it is a paragraph about me. * * * Planets, words, numerals: I was still so held by the urge to be a philanthropist, I flatly ignored my lack of all the character traits required. Then my health declined. Thus, instead of being of service to other, as I would have preferred, others have been (and continue to be) of service to me. I feel sure it didn't need to be this way, but it is; and God is, as enigmatically as always, unimaginably good to me. Certainly I/ am not right, if I ever was. (Sister knows.) Nonetheless, with my Early Retriement Social Security and the local services I am allowed to use, I am getting on reasonably well. * * * Saturday 2003-07-12 - Just as the final revision of my letter to jls finished printing/ several gusts of warm humid wind reverberated against this place and into & through the nearby trees. A space in me wanted it to mean something, but I could not tell if it did; and if it did, if it meant good or meant ill. Sunday 2003-07-13 4:59pm - All day grey upon grey with only a speck of blue now and again given the chance to show through; and a smidgen of rain, and later another dildy-dash; but now the threats and the foolery are gone; a real wash takes the air, enters the ground. Less than 15 minutes. Still, it was and did, and my half-thought of a weed eater venture has shrunk dead. Thursday 2003-07-17 - Several nights ago I washed dishes out of need. I had used all 16 pieces of regular silverware; but, having used my original washing routine, those 16 pieces were all I had left to wash. At that moment I decided to take a break. Recently I had gotten into the habit of washing the 4 tablespoons, which are made differently, last. Also, I usually washed 3 together. Since they are under soapy water, I never know which 3 will come up together. Knife, fork, spoon. Knife, fork, spoon. Knife, fork, spoon. And: necessarily: knife, fork, spoon. Finally, with the last 2 tablespoons up and dried, I raised my head, and caught 9:11. The next digital was 9:12. Too strange. Saturday 2003-08-16 (moving past 4pm) - The entry below was originally--but differently presented-- in The Blue Ledger. If I am allowed in, I might become Heaven's Dunce, or one of them. -------------------- Today is Saturday: -------------------- but at 2:34am. - Brian A. J. Salchert
Friday, February 29, 2008
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Edges of Knowledge Thursday 2003-06-26 - Arising early, I, slippering into my dishevelled den, blurted: "Boostah, wholah, gahzhah"; and reaching above the top level of the nearest of three metal shelvings I have long used in that room, the shelving which is a catch-all for everything from tennis shoes to envelopes to medicines, turned the knob of my black snake-neck desk lamp there; and png, flick, flash, was back into darkness. I glanced at-- four levels below--what is now becoming my Topamax desk alarm: 6:17. Doesn't it figure, I smiled in my head. Friday 2003-06-27 - And, when I first looked at the clock in my den after eight o"clock, what time was it?: 8:11am. So, if I've not crafted a single poem worthy of being placed in a best poems anthology, I am certain I have written numerous sentences worthy of being placed in a best quotations anthology. And as to my math excursions, number theory journeyings interest me most, especially journeyings of my own design: new-ways-of-seeing journeyings, no matter whether they come to naught. I titled my 1994 math excursion: Meanderings of an Amateur Mathematician I noticed the other day I had at one time figured it came to 231 pages. Fermat's Last Theorem--which for nearly 30 years I was sure could be verified geometrically, prime numbers, the natural number summation sequence, and the like/ were the reasons for that book. Approaches I took were what I called: position math, final-digit math, set math, interpolation math, etcetera. Two or three hours ago I went looking through a copy of my first Meanderings for a fuller description of my position math idea than the one I recently expressed. If you find it too hard to understand, you need not try, but here it is. Sorry; I just looked at it again and found it goes on and on; therefore, I am forced to give you just part of it. from 10-3-92 p. 32b it so happens that at each position the number one needs to multiply the position by in order to get the divisible-by-4 number at that position is equal to twice the position plus 2. Here is an example. We know that at position 33 in the natural number summation sequence/ the number is 528, and that at po34 561. We also know that the greatest least part of 33 is 16, and that the least greatest part of 33 is 17, and that the relevant closed set (at po17) is 16, 17, 33, 528, 561; and that 528 + 16 = 544 as well as does 561 - 17. . . . (& on, & on, & on) . . . . What I want you to grasp from the above are these concepts: 1) Order rules. Whether such order is inherent or imposed/ does not matter. 2) Things need not be 1/ 2/ 3/ _so long as they are orderly. 3) Be creative. Do not let yourself be trapped by the as-it-is. These concepts set forth, I may as well also pass to you, partially, what I recently expressed. Let 0 be the 1st number, which is to say, let position 1 be 0's position. Accordingly, 1's position is position 2; and 100's position is position 101. Then, instead of concentrating on the numbers, use the position, dividing it (whatever it is) by 2; and then multiply the resulting quotient by the number of that po to arrive at 5050 or, or, or, . . . Take 3015847, which is at position 3015848. 3015848/2 = 1507924; and--my calculator is too small to multiply 1507924 x 3015847. I have named this method: position math. I know: all I am really doing by this is giving a name to--while in a way demystifying--the inescapable . . . because I simply chose to change is to ((N + 1)/2)N by my 0 inclusion. A note on the above which I should have be didn't include is that my N + 1 = po = position. - Brian A. J. Salchert
Thursday, February 28, 2008
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Edges of Knowledge Thursday 2003-02-06 9:10am - I am scheduled to see my doctor at 1pm. On Saturday last-- by certified mail in a small white box-- Janice's cremains. On Monday last (or Tuesday perhaps)-- in the box for my mail-- my title for the 1998 sunset red 4-dr Metro. On Sunday last-- in the priority mail package I finally opened-- the Christmas presents from my friends at MFAAA. They were so beyond. God favor those friends. Yesterday was Ash Wednesday. I have made a crude shrine for Janice's cremains. They remain in their box. Friday 2003-02-07 11:53am - Also earlier this week the new garbage units arrived as well as hand-delivered welcome notices. I now am having trouble finding the original invoice for this Redman home. Much rain last night: enough that some seeped in at the bottom of the damaged wall in the master bedroom. I placed some towels there temporarily. Saturday 2003-02-08 10:01pm - Yesterday on the west side of my place were nearly 2 dozen warblers. Today on the east side were 3 dozen or more (in their soft migration) attracted to the tree there and its myriad berries. Saturday 2003-02-15 - Wednesday on the east side of my place were 4 dozen plus warblers when the taxi arrived to take me to the bank; and then from the post office back to the bank, and then to CFOP, and then later back home. This whole week has been a busy week, more about which on another day. Today is Saturday April 5th, 2003, 7:47pm. - This morning was blessed with several recoveries of medical information I am in need of. This afternoon was marred by transportation difficulties and by the presence at my door (after, once again, a taxi got me home from the grocery store) of one of those black mosquitoes-- this the first of this season-- which had so plagued me last season, and which I could not prevent from making an entrance, and which bit me at least twice before I was able to kill it. Tuesday 2003-04-29 - All-in-all another too-hectic, flickering day; yet a day often visited by soft manifestations of God: the Father, the Son, the Holy Spirit that made this ever too-wrongly prideful, too self-pitying blotch of dough rise and take notice--now does that make any sense?--no!--good. I will not tell all the stories, just the final one--sort of. The little red car I sold Saturday came gently back, and the woman driver, among other good things, returned my license tag. - Brian A. J. Salchert
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
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The Undulant Trees Bell riggidy raggidy ruggidy rung trippity trappity toggles the tongue clippingly clappingly clunkingly clung gling gling gling gling gling gling PAAAYPURR - Brian A. J. Salchert
sw00823ekua-page11
Edges of Knowledge Thursday 2002-12-12 8:53pm - There is a certain person--he knows who he is-- who should he by some magnificent turn happen to read this/ I openly thank for popping me in the mouth that night at the ice rink a lifetime ago/ I, who looking back see how crazed, how clouded my "brilliant" mind was; I, who looking in now see how crazed, how clouded my "resonant" mind yet is. For at least 3 weeks--though it seems like ages-- I have been at war with a dark-n-devious computer virus, a war I was not able to win to/ my satisfaction until I concluded I needed to ditch the WinZip program on my desktop, a program I hadn't used anyhow. Once WinZip was gone/ so was the virus's hiding place. Finally, at 12:34pm, via this computer's Find program, after disallowing it to go to the Recycle Bin, I deleted it. And immediately thereafter NAV full system scan did verify it was gone. (I know, I know. I'm not holding my breath either.) During this time, though I have considered the spell 11 and 17 have had on me may be (when viewed rationally) not at all outside the range of probability, I cannot but be mystified when what seems to me most unlikely connections/ occur: as the 1:11pm and 1:17pm one on December ninth and the 2:11am and 2:17am one on December tenth. Monday 2002-12-16 7:59pm - 11 and 17 are still at it. Several days ago I experienced 6:11. 6:17, & 12:17 events. Yesterday, after lugging into this den from another long work night, the clock here greeted me with 10:17. This evening, back in the kitchen and back to eating-- after the thankful fulfillment of a long-awaited need-- I glanced up: 6:11. - Enough already? Wednesday 2003-01-01 2:24pm - Between noon and one above the mobile home to the east of mine I saw my first flock of cedar waxwings this season. My life recently-- December 23/24-- was etched by a 4th seizure, one of such characteristics I found it necessary to get taken to ER, to absent myself from work, to cease driving, and to begin making changes in my daily routine. My doctor had me come see her and placed me on a second anticonvulsive medication, and has me using h- p- on my injured mouth. And God-- through two other persons-- is (it appears) securing those exact related aids for me I now most need. However unworthy I've been and may continue to be, God unfailingly provides me with blessings I cannot but be amazed at and ever grateful for. As one just recently told me: If someone wants to do you a favor, there must be a reason; so let them. If, God, I could be perfect for You, how glorious every moment would be! Thursday 2003-01-02 7:38pm - Initiated a subscription relationship with the WORD among us, and am now participating in the daily January meditations in the free issue they sent to Janice. Sunday 2003-01-19 10:38am - As of some time on 01/16/03 I am 62. Had a 5th seizure on the 14th. Wasn't taking my medications properly. Am to be getting an MRI and an MRA Tuesday, Phenytoin levels in my blood checked Wednesday, and am to be seeing my doctor again Thursday. That daily meditation I was doing/ somewhere ended. I ought to get back to it. The responses of others to my ailments have caused me to make some prayer changes. I probably shouldn't mention it but I am offering up the pain from the bite sores in my mouth as penance for sins I have committed. Wednesday 2003-01-29 7:29pm - Today has been warmer and busier. Gave my Mobile sister's and my Virginia Beach sister-in-law's phone numbers to the ever-kind Mrs. L.. Made a number of calls mysef to those two: In part because of a letter from the Anatomical Board of the State of Florida regarding Janice's cremains; and in part because of my leaning now toward selling my car but then realizing I had not yet gotten the title for it from the bank, a need which is so far proving a bit difficult to satisfy. Also in seeking other things, came upon a Salchert-search letter nearly 2 yrs. old. Am going to attempt to contact the sender. My V B s-i-l told me her parents had once again decided to move back to Waupun. My later recalling that dad had said Janice and I could use one of their plots at Calvary in Fond du Lac/ immediately made the returning of K & E to Wisconsin at this time seem to me another evidence of God's hand in our lives, especially in that K knows exactly where those plots are. I think he would be willing to take his number one daughter's cremains there. Anyway, I did make a return call to my s-i-l about it. - Brian A. J. Salchert
Sunday, February 24, 2008
sw00822st99-young.forever
Lawrence King Memorial sadness silence safety strength Brian A. J. Salchert
Saturday, February 23, 2008
sw00819st98-sh.bitsonews
Have begun posting ekua, the letters which indicate an entry from a journal which once online at ThirdAge (2000-2006). Secondary name for that journal was and is Unplanned Autobiography. I was living in Gainesville, Florida, during that period. Also had a similar journal at Tripod then. Am posting it as brians brain at bajsalchert. blogspot.com. Three new math entries about squares are up/ for those interested in such things, and don't mind being confused. While investigations uncover ways of seeing one had missed, those ways do not always provide the answers one is seeking. Finished reading Wordsworth's The Prelude late last night. Will be returning to Dante's The Divine Comedy. About one week ago I made FF8080 the new sidebar color. It's brighter than I would like, but it's the best I could do given the red colors available. Our harsh, icy, cold days are passing for now. Rain is expected Monday, but it will be a mild day. Later this month should see some new photos, but most were taken through my bedroom window which is now not as clean as it was due to sniping ice pellets. - Brian A. J. Salchert
Thursday, February 21, 2008
sw00818math-4.and.squares
entry 19 This entry follows from entries 17 and 18. Four squares sequences involving the number "4": 1, 4, 16, 64, 256, 1024, 4096, 16384, 65536, n 9, 36, 144, 576, 2304, 9216, 36864, 147456, n 25, 100, 400, 1600, 6400, 25600, 102400, 409600, n 49, 196, 784, 3136, 12544, 50176, 200704, 802816, n Each of these is a pown-square-base sequence. Pewn square roots are found by multiplying by 2 once the initial pewn square root is known. The initial pewn square root in each of these is: 2, 6, 10, and 14. Questions derived from this are: How does such awareness aid in finding squares? Is this awareness worth having? What about the pown square roots? Would square roots / squares tables be all that is needed? Of what importance is all this anyway? What first impressed me was the discovery that each of the odd squares could serve as a base for a sequence of even squares. Next was knowing it is possible to extract a particular odd square from a particular even square. For me all this is an infinite game of a different order. A table of initial odd squares and initial multilplied-by-4 even squares might be useful even if not used beyond those two female/male entries. Just spent some moments seeking a gap, and I found it at 18 x 18, which is not in any of the four sequences shown above. So where is it? I asked myself. Well, 18 x 18 = 324, and 324/4 = 81. So: 81, 324, 1296, 5184, 20736, 82944, 331776, 1327104, n Though I've already stated this in another way, here is what is coming to light: If the square root of the initial pown square is, say, "11", then the square root of the initial pewn square in that sequence which begins with "121" will be "22". 22 x 22 = 484. So: 121, 484, 1936, 7744, 30976, 123904, 495616, 1982464, n Really am wondering now if this is indeed an infinite game, or if there is a repetition point. Haven't passed through 10 cycles yet. The eleventh cycle begins with 21 X 21 (441). 169, 676, 2704, 10816, 43264, 173056, 692224, 2768896, n 225, 900, 3600, 14400, 57600, 230400, 921600, 3686400, n 289, 1156, 4624, 18496, 73984, 295936, 1183744, 4734976, n 361, 1444, 5776, 23104, 92416, 369664, 1478656, 5914624, n No go; therefore, I am veering. This is also territory I have explored, but that was elsewhere in years behind. Want to take another look. After my look, I had to revise a note on entry 18 and add a note. Offline I have 15 pages which were once at ThirdAge relating to these probings. They are evidence of the progression of my thinking, thinking which began with a book I wrote but never officially published: Meanderings of an Amateur Mathematician. Number Theory Investigations is the title for those pages. I know those pages were copied by at least one person, and may have been copied by more than one. This means they may still be out and about. Since I think in transit, and am not a professional mathematician, I can't vouch for their accuracy. However, I do hope anyone who has a copy used it to advantage. There's a chance that one day I will place my N T I back online. - Brian A. J. Salchert
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
sw00817math-page2.subtracting.squares
entry 18 tpo = termposition pown = positive odd whole number pewn = positive even whole number Today am beginning subtraction sequence with 1² - 0² = 1. Am interested in how it is not like the sequence presented in entry 17. 1² - 0² = 1 2² - 1² = 3 3² - 2² = 5 4² - 3² = 7 5² - 4² = 9 = 3² [ note: this puts 9 at tpo 3 and tpo 5 instead of at tpo 2 and tpo 4 -- is this better, worse, or just different? ] [ note: a pown whose only multiples are itself and 1/ never appears above level one in a descension-by-squares sequence/ because it is not a square of any whole number square root ] [ note: the "itself" must be a pown greater than "1" ] 6² - 5² = 11 7² - 6² = 13 [ note: 25 (5²) first appears in a d-b-s sequence as the minuend in the squares' subtraction whose remainder is 9 ] [ note: my personal view is that today's sequence is easier to work with ] [ note: if you are wondering why I am talking about levels greater than level one but am not showing any such, it is because for clarity I have chosen a collapsed form -- explanation: ordinarily a d-b-s declines oppositionally from its major minuend/ so that at its highest level 5² would show 2² as its subtrahend/ and then 4² and so reveal the remainders "21" and "9" and a d-b-s (DF10) consisting of two levels -- not so bad, but at higher levels can quickly get unwieldy ] (revised 02/21/08) [ note: DF = descension family and the 10 = sum of factors in DF for 5 x 5: 5 + 5 or 3 + 7 or 1 + 9 ] (added 02/21/08) Okay/// so in this sequence the tpo will always equal (the remainder plus 1) divided by 2. Therefore, if the minuend square root is 128, the remainder will be (128 times 2) minus 1. I prefer letting the minuend square root be the tpo. Still, there seems to be no easy way to know if a given pown is only divisible by itself and 1. Mathematicians, using a specialized formula, have found such numbers that are figuratively beyond our solar system; but I am interested in something more basic. 8² - 7² = 15 = 3 x 5 9² - 8² = 17 10² - 9² = 19 11² - 10² = 21 = 3 x 7 12² - 11² = 23 13² - 12² = 25 = 5² [ note: each pown tpo (square root) equals the square root of the remainder of that term in this sequence which relates to it, thus 5² finds its equal at tpo 13 or (5 x 3) - 2 ] Here are some examples: - (3 x 2) - 1 tpo 3 and tpo 5 (5 x 3) - 2 tpo 5 and tpo 13 (7 x 4) - 3 tpo 7 and tpo 25 (9 x 5) - 4 tpo 9 and tpo 41 (11 x 6) - 5 tpo 11 and tpo 61 (13 x 7) - 6 tpo 13 and tpo 85 [ note: the matching tpo locations are separated from each other in just the same manner as they are in the sequence shown on entry 17, but are one tpo higher here -- what is 2 and 4 there is 3 and 5 here ] Though I wanted to avoid mentioning facts I have long known, the usefulness of them suggests otherwise. Only odd numbers matter, and among those only those numbers with final digits that are not "5". Any pown whose digits add to 3 or 6 or 9 is divisible by "3". "861" is such a number in that 8 + 6 = 14 and 14 + 1 = 15 and 1 + 5 = 6. Now, there is what I have come to call an Elimination Table (E T) which effectively bypasses all numbers divisible by "3". Am not going to explain that here. However--to continue with more of the obvious, a greater-than-1 pown does not acquire its power to invalidate the primality of other powns until it is squared. "2" is the first prime number, and it is the reason 3, 5, and 7 are prime numbers. "3" is the reason 9, 15, and 21 are not prime #s, but 11, 13, 17, 19, and 23 are. Another way to ferret out the truth about a given pown is by adding squares to it, beginning with 1². This works with "143" since 144 is 12 x 12. Here observation tells one "143" in not divisible by 3, or by 5, or by 7; but must be divisible by two prime numbers. Which two? 1² indicates that whichever two they are they must be 2 apart from each other. So, (12 - 1) = 11 and (12 + 1) = 13. Let's see. Yes. So where are the squares? The squares run along a line separated by the powns in ascending order. From 0 to 1 is 1; from 1 to 4 is 3; from 4 to 9 is 5; from 9 to 16 is 7; but is there a trick of sorts one can use? Am not sure; but do know every pown square is 1 greater than a number divisible by 8, and that every pewn square is divisible by 4. However, something different is teasing my brain. 1/2 = .5; 4/2 = 2; 9/2 = 4.5; 16/2 = 8; 25/2 = 12.5; 36/2 = 18; 49/2 = 24.5 | 2 - .5 = 1.5; 4.5 - 2 = 2.5; 8 - 4.5 = 3.5; 12.5 - 8 = 4.5; 18 - 12.5 = 5.5; 24.5 - 18 = 6.5 | I know: I left my flyswatter on the moon. .5, 1.5, 2.5, 3.5, 4.5, 5.5, 6.5 is a run of numbers wherein each greater number is 1greater than the one before it. Have also noted another fact about these numbers, but am not sure about its value. If .5 is allowed to represent 1, 1.5 to represent 4, 2.5 to represent 9, 3.5 to represent 16, 4.5 to represent 25, 5.5 to represent 36, and 6.5 to represent 49, how does one use them? The other fact I noted is that if .5 is added to one of these numbers, the resulting number is the square root of the number represented. That's fine, but is not what I was hoping for. Similarly, 2 times one of these .5 numbers gives us the difference between that number it represents and next lesser represented number; but that too is not what I was hoping for. Hmm: 1 to 5 = 4; 5 to 9 = 4; 9 to 13 = 4 -- this is for 1, 9, 25, and 49. Likewise: 3 to 7 = 4, and 7 to 11 = 4 -- this is for 4, 16, and 36. On the moon? How about on an asteroid. For what it's worth: If the result of dividing 4 into a pewn is a square, then that pewn is a square. - Brian A. J. Salchert
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
sw00816math-about.subtracting.squares
entry 17 tpo = termposition [ note: in this sequence, the subtrahend square root = the tpo ] [ note: minuend square root + subtrahend square root = remainder ] [ note: each term in this sequence is a positive odd whole number (pown) ] [ note: had this sequence begun with 1² - 0² = 1, the minuend square root would have equalled the tpo ] 2² - 1² = 3 3² - 2² = 5 4² - 3² = 7 5² - 4² = 9 = 3² 6² - 5² = 11 7² - 6² = 13 8² - 7² = 15 = 3 x 5 9² - 8² = 17 10² - 9² = 19 11² - 10² = 21 = 3 x 7 12² - 11² = 23 13² - 12² = 25 = 5² 14² - 13² = 27 = 3 x 9 = 3 x 3² 15² - 14² = 29 16² - 15² = 31 17² - 16² = 33 = 3 x 11 18² - 17² = 35 = 5 x 7 19² - 18² = 37 20² - 19² = 39 = 3 x 13 21² - 20² = 41 22² - 21² = 43 23² - 22² = 45 = 5 x 9 = 3 x 15 24² - 23² = 47 25² - 24² = 49 = 7² 26² - 25² = 51 = 3 x 17 # re: 3² tpo 2 and tpo 4 1 x 4 = 4 also: 2 + 4 = 6 re: 5² tpo 4 and tpo 12 3 x 4 = 12 also; 4 + 12 = 16 re: 7² tpo 6 and tpo 24 6 x 4 = 24 also: 6 + 24 = 30 lunch break [ note: (2 x 4) + 1 = 9 (4 x 6) + 1 = 25 (6 x 8) + 1 = 49 ] # 27² - 26² = 53 28² - 27² = 55 = 5 x 11 29² - 28² = 57 = 3 x 19 30² - 29² = 59 31² - 30² = 61 32² - 31² = 63 = 7 x 9 = 3 x 21 33² - 32² = 65 = 5 x 13 34² - 33² = 67 35² - 34² = 69 = 3 x 23 36² - 35² = 71 37² - 36² = 73 38² - 37² = 75 = 5 x 15 = 3 x 25 39² - 38² = 77 = 7 x 11 40² - 39² = 79 41² - 40² = 81 = 9 x 9 = 3 x 27 42² - 41² = 83 43² - 42² = 85 = 5 x 17 44² - 43² = 87 = 3 x 29 45² - 44² = 89 46² - 45² = 91 = 7 x 13 47² - 46² = 93 = 3 x 31 48² - 47² = 95 = 5 x 19 49² - 48² = 97 50² - 49² = 99 = 9 x 11 = 3 x 33 51² - 50² = 101 52² - 51² = 103 53² - 52² = 105 = 7 x 15 = 5 x 21 = 3 x 35 54² - 53² = 107 55² - 54² = 109 56² - 55² = 111 = 3 x 37 57² - 56² = 113 58² - 57² = 115 = 5 x 23 59² - 58² = 117 = 3 x 39 60² - 59² = 119 = 7 x 17 61² - 60² = 121 = 11 x 11 # [ note: if zero is included in the natural number summation sequence, any pown square minus 1 will equal a pewn which (when divided by 8) equals a term in the nnss -- example: 81 - 1 = 80; 80/8 = 10 as in: 0 + 1 = 1; 1 + 2 = 3; 3 + 3 = 6; 6 + 4 = 10 ] # 4 or (9 - 1)/2 or (3 x 1) + 1 = tpo for 3 x 3 8 4 12 or (25 - 1)/2 or (5 x 2) + 2 = tpo for 5 x 5 12 4 24 or (49 - 1)/2 or (7 x 3) + 3 = tpo for 7 x 7 16 4 40 or (81 - 1)/2 or (9 x 4) + 4 = tpo for 9 x 9 20 4 60 or (121 - 1)/2 or (11 x 5) + 5 = tpo for 11 x 11 24 4 84 or (169 - 1)/2 or (13 x 6) + 6 = tpo for 13 x 13 28 4 112 or (225 - 1)/2 or (15 x 7) + 7 = tpo for 15 x 15 [ note: 4/1 = 4 12/2 = 6 24/3 = 8 40/4 = 10 60/5 = 12 84/6 = 14 112/7 = 16 and (1 x 2) + 2 = 4 (2 x 2) + 2 = 6 (2 x 3) + 2 = 8 and so on and (3 - 1)/2 = 1 (5 - 1)/2 = 2 (7 - 1)/2 = 3 (9 - 1)/2 = 4 and so on and 9 - 1 = 1 x 8 25 - 1 = 3 x 8 49 - 1 = 6 x 8 81 - 1 = 10 x 8 121 - 1 = 15 x 8 169 - 1 = 21 x 8 225 - 1 = 28 x 8 and so on ] # And where am I going with this? Wherever it takes me. - As you can see, 105 is an important number. It is what I call a node number. Its being divisible by 3, and by 5, and by 7, is what allows 101 and 103 and 107 and 109 to each be a number divisible only by itself and 1. 15 is a node number. The next such number is 945, if one goes by a calculator; but it comes after 29's power has kicked in. At 105, 11's power has not yet kicked in. If 5 and 9 are ignored, 231 becomes a node number in a different family of node numbers; but any number whose final digit is not "5" is of less interest because 3 divides into an odd number every six numbers, and so would divide into 237; and 5, of course, divides into 235. Actually, what I am trying to do is uncover patterns I had missed on earlier searches. - Brian A. J. Salchert
Monday, February 18, 2008
sw00815ekua-page10
Edges of Knowledge Tuesday 2002-10-29 8:19am - (What follows is the 10-28-02 Blue Ledger entry on page 106.) 11:11pm just caught me again on the bedside clock & the wall clock. - It has been a curious day. - I am finding it harder & harder to pull myself from my math endeavors, and I [am] now certain I have found a connection--which runs along the natural number summation sequence--between where a 3x or greater multiple of two odd numbers above the multiplier's square level/ first appears in a squares' descension & then appears on level one. Tonight I began proving that. . . . Brian Salchert This morning GMA's Gibson was interviewing that man most responsible for aiding in the capture of the two sniper killers. I heard Mr. Gibson say it was 1:17am when (?) at the rest stop. Approximately at that moment I looked at the GMA time: 7:17am. - Early this morning (to cite one example) I got out of bed at 1:07am & headed toward the den restroom. I returned at 1:17am. - And as if that wasn't enough, after returning from my 11:15 doctor's appt. and spending some minutes in this den reorganizing, I said to me: "I wonder what time it is?" and immediately stepped into the living area/ where both clocks were blithely reading: 12:17pm. - Bet the bets are betsying. Guess what percentage of the zero readers of this believe my story is true. Friday 2002-11-01 3:39pm - Urology office visit not pleasant. Today is All Saints' Day. I hope I feel up to attending Mass at 5:30pm at St. Augustine's. I don't feel up to working tonight's night audit. The main auditor will be there for me. - It is after 11pm and I did attend Mass-- about which more some other day. Not sure why, but I never mentioned here my Tuseday night trip to AGH (I drove there) and Emergency and IMC (that time) Had stress test Wednesday morning instead of the scheduled Thursday. My heart appears to be ticking well, but I do have GERD. - I still have my hospital band on. Saturday 2002-11-02 5:27pm - Yes, God, I'm a nut; and stupid, stupid, stupid; but You have not abandoned me-- most certainly, have not. Thursday 2002-11-07 4:26pm - Yesterday I had a special meeting; today recalling it I am moved to say: Blessed be the goodness of God. Tuesday 2002-11-12 9:21pm - Having finished eating a large slice of the stollen I had just purchased, and feeling it might make me ill, I began my move from the kitchen back to the den: all the clocks (there are now three) shone 1:11. Wednesday 2002-11-13 5:09pm - Applied for 62 Social Security. Thursday 2002-11-14 9:12pm - Extremely phycially active day. Did far more cleaning than I expected to. Had big "popcorn" tree next to home trimmed by the park maintenance man. Had place professionally sprayed and baited. 11 was in there though at 8:11am and at 5:11pm, the time I arrived back here after 2+ hours of shopping, etcetera. But so was 17--differently. When I went to get the mail, I found once again-- this was the third time now in the last week-- a key for a package box waiting. Its presence made me suddenly aware the last two were for package box 17. I turned the tag over. 17. - Also, I have been missing these numbers by a little lately, so that especially 12 and 18 have been hit. Monday 2002-11-18 6:48pm - Am trying to lessen my watchfulness for 7 & 11; however, this morning I awoke--needing to go to the restroom--at 3:11; and then--for the same reason--awoke again at 4:17. And, of course, having finished the above and moved to page 6 of my number theory meanderings, and then having decided to stand and turn to my right, the den clock smirked 7:11. There are simply too many self-fulfilling expectations. Tuesday 2002-11-19 10:51am - After writing out 9 checks and readying them for mailing, I glanced at the den clock: 10:17am. - Brian A. J. Salchert
Sunday, February 17, 2008
sw00814ekua-page9
Edges of Knowledge * Good morning (or as it may be). Tuesday 2002-10-15 4:34pm - Heavenly Father, You know the extent of my sins and how horrendous too many of them were: You also know the extent and value of my right choices. How amazing, God, You are! Twice today, when I phoned the hotel to speak with/ a certain woman, You made it so/ she was there for me. Thank You, God, for being; for being perfect; for being amazing/ for one such as I, . . . so stupid. Wednesday 2002-10-16 9:29am - So today there was 7:17 & 8:11 & 8:17 naturally. And during the mid-day hours, 12:17 popped up; and then a namber/ I had not/ seen in a while, the God number: 1:11. That number stopped me, pulled me into meditation, brought me solace. Between 3 and 4pm I decided to eat a large apple. Some while later, as I wasn't feeling quite right, I decided to put some apple butter on a slice of bread. The slice had a couple of wee holes in it; so I got out the B & B and covered them. Since there wasn't much apple butter left in its jar, I used my father's old Newton trick. Holding the open jar at a high angle over the bread with my left hand, I hit upward against the jar toward the jar's raised bottom with the heel of my right hand. When I had gotten enough apple butter on the bread, I wiped off the jar's lip, and closing the jar, put it back in the fridge. After spreading the apple butter around on the bread, I glanced up: the wall clock read 5:11. I ate what I had made for myself and went back to the den. Earlier in the den-- when I wasn't online-- I had made some essential phone calls, wrote out some checks for bills and gotten them ready for mailing, and dealt as I could with two days of received mail, etcetera. During this new period of time I decided to pray the rosary. Then I thought I would go back to the kitchen/living area to eat some sardines with crackers; and, I decided to take with me a small empty bowl which had been sitting on a nearby shelf. I said to myself: it better not be 6:17 when I go through the door. (I do not wear or carry on me a personal watch. I just do not like them.) On the other side of the door is a sofa bed which Janice and I had been sleeping on the last days of her life here, and which I have continued to sleep on. Next to the bed I have an alarm clock. It happens to be running about 30 seconds ahead of the wall clock. I didn't look at the wall clock first; on the alarm clock was: 6:17. Seeing that, I decided not to eat the sardines and crackers then but to come back to write the above section. Anyway, I got quite involved with it, and as soon as I finished (I was not paying attention to the computer clock time, but I was "thinking about" getting something to eat) I went offline; and even though I knew it probably was not a good idea, I went to eat the sardines and crackers anyhow. Lo!, as if to herald my entrance, the bedside alarm clock shined 7:17, and two seconds later the wall clock shined 7:17. Thursday 2002-10-17 11:56am All the wrong choices. All the wrong choices. Where is there forgiveness if I can not forgive myself? [Interlude: Today I tried to ignore all that 11 after & 17 after stuff; and, after being away from here most of the afternoon, I had even semi-forgotten about it. Watched some news (including "The ABC Evening News" while I was in the kitchen chasing yet another black mosquito and eating some more of the blueberry banana loaf) until near 7pm. I then returned to this den to do this & that. When I finished the drink I had and took the plastic back to the kitchen to be washed--sometime, both the wall clock and the bedside clock shone 7:17.] I was supposed to be the son my father lost, and who knows whether I was; but I am not the son he thought he had. the 10-14-02 entry on page 105 of the Blue Ledger---------- Brian Salchert I tell you: It is extremely difficult to avoid doing that which later you might regret, whether that is doing something you should not do/ or not doing something you should do. 10-17-02 entry on page 105 of the Blue Ledger---------- Brian Salchert Wednesday 202-10-23 10:54pm - This afternoon was a heavily medical one. Went to meet with my WC counselor to fill out an E-- F-- application. Also, being in the building where I get my annual flu shot, I did so. Afterwards drove to Eckerd's bor 2 meds & a supplement. Yesterday, I believe it was, I had it verified that Janice's last medical bills were covered by Medicaid. Thank You, Lord. Sunday 2002-10-27 7:20pm - For most of the sunlit time of the day yesterday I was in Shands atAGH, mostly in the CPU. - Brian A. J. Salchert
Saturday, February 16, 2008
sw00813ekua-page8
Edges of Knowledge Wednesday 2002-09-11 5:29pm - Attended Mass this morning at St. Patrick. This afternoon in the mailbox a sympathy card from Fr. Ed; I--in my usual slow manner-- wrote back immediately. Yes, I also pray God may begin a new day for me "full of hope and light." Saturday 2002-09-14 3:58pm - Dear God, as You are aware, on July 18th (at 9:38pm, so it was officially noted) the spirit of the woman who had been my companion 37+ years moved on; and while I believe I have been forgiven, I still can not get it out of my head-- because I know--that if I had been more rational and had had better insights/ I would have made better choices than I did, choices that would have made her life with me happier than it was, choices which might very well have lengthened her earthly sojourn, not because such is in itself good, but because she would have wanted it so. Dear God, here today, as in every day hence I remain in my earthly sojourn, I again ask Your forgiveness-- even if such asking often seems to me vapid--for the wrong choices I have made, especially those which were bad for Janice. Tuesday 2002-09-17 7:44pm - Four major accomplishments today: 1. Got a proper original mobile home title, one put in my name only. 2. Got answers I needed from IRS. 3. Began ninth section of my Meanderings of an Amateur Mathematician 2: Number Theory Investigations. 4. Finally got my Norton Antivirus 2002 properly registered by using Symantec's online customer service registration screens. Wednesday 2002-09-18 5:30pm - What an afternoon regarding a certain debt! For days I have been atwitch in my brain trying to figure out how to approach it. Yesterday I came across a San Diego company I felt I could comfortably question. This afternoon I called. The man who answered/ led me to the Clerk of Courts here in Gainesville. The woman there gave me several solacing responses. I had been wanting to call the debt collection agency, but still did not know what I would say; then, a man at the debt collection agency called me. I, several minutes later, decided to call him back. The further information he gave me made indicate to him I might try to save up enough to close the account. We shall see now what God wills; or, that is, I might not see, but someone surely will. Friday 2002-09-27 11:36am - Last night, while sitting on the toilet in the "den" bathroom behind, I got frightened by a dark bee(?)/ hornet(?)/ wasp(?) that flew up over my back. I tried to get it with an empty pet glove box about 9 times but the door to the bathroom was not tightly shut; so, when the door got nudged, the thing flew out and over toward the window. Closing the door, I glanced behind me, and was stopped by a bit of shit resting on the toilet seat. I/ cleaned (sic) it (sic) off. The hidden presence of the dark insect unsettled me. As soon as I was able to, I went to the sofa bed to retrieve the orange flyswatter. Though I off-and-on searched, I never saw the bug again. I/ slept with the flyswatter next to me. This morning, while eating my cereals with banana at the kitchen counter, I felt/ at an empty distance. Medicines I am reluctant to take, foods I am not sure will settle well, a deepening despondence over errant choices I have made, the continuing uncertainty about who I am and who I ought to strive to be: I don't know/ I just don't know/ I just don't know anymore/ I just don't, hooked my brain. Then I noticed the dark thing on the kitchen's large window. I picked up the swatter. I wacked at the thing till it fell on the floor: where I swatted it dead. But in order to be sure--and because I would need to put it in the waste "can" anyhow--I folded a section of paper toweling, picked the creature (there in two parts: one that might have been its head) up, and scrunched it inside. Immediately again: Perhaps that is how one day I will die, caught my brain. Perhaps, as I had done on occasion, I should have found a way to capture it and gotten it back outside, (Out in our yard one day in Fond du Lac, when I was a kid--though I didn't have an allergic reaction to it, a bee stung me.) I peered once more at the "Janice" spider, which had fashioned a web underneath the dinette table, but along about this past September 11th had suddenly fallen from the table's pole, and--though I was not fairly certain until a week or so later--died on the floor. And even considering/ that/ that Aztecan arachnid/ might not have stuck any, the tiny black flies are back at the garbage. Thursday 2002-10-10 7:46pm - Today I completed my internal change (though I am becoming less and less sure of what day it is/ because certain physical manifestations are making me less and less sure of my sanity) from [into unto] to [thinking lizard]. [Into unto] is the sacred site in my i-b-n-a-r kingdom, and now it can be solely that. [Thinking lizard] is my site for in-depth searching, for boundary extending, for publishing/ whether or not anyone cares who I am or what I do. Monday 2002-10-14 11:17pm (wall clock time) - Late this morning my life passed through an eerie incident. I had worked all night doing the front desk audit at GNVUC and/ I was extremely tired. I had been standing at the kitchen counter finishing a bowl of cereal when I decided to move away from there for a reason I do not recall. What I do recall is waking in front of the recliner Janice spent most of her out-of-bed hours in the last several months or her life here/ and falling backwards towards the left (almost as if I had been pushed), clipping & knocking the table lamp onto the floor while I was in route to the floor. Once there/ I looked back & upwards: the wall clock read 11:18/ which immediately meant to me it must have been 11:17am just before (or as) I awoke. A week or so ago I injured the middle finger of my left hand, an injury I felt mostly in the upper knuckle. Around 8am at the hotel/ the soreness in my finger seemed to be mostly between the knuckles. After my fall/ the finger no longer felt sore. For several months before the sad awakening of 9/11/01 Janice and I/ had taken to noticing 11:11am on the wall clock. And even after, we often did. When I turned this computer on/ the wall clock read: 11:11pm. (This computer's clock is two minutes ahead of the wall clock.) Since 9/11/01 both 11 and 17 have--for me-- become exceedingly special. Yet, even after yesterday's experiences, I am still not really certain why. (It is now 12:40am 10/15/02 wall clock time.) - Brian A. J. Salchert
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Edges of Knowledge Wednesday 2002-08-21 5:09pm - Day began excitedly due to my math investigations. but even as that excitement did not last, new concerns associated with Janice's final illness has made today suddenly somber. And even the ants chose this day to return. Now is the time. Faith. Thursday 2002-08-22 4:09pm - Today I was told that via Hospice/ aid for Janice for the month of July was approved. Thank You, God. Sunday 2002-08-25 5:46pm - Those of you who wish to believe I am to blame for Janice's death I give you free rein to do so, even though in my dim soul I know I did not want such. 8-23-02 Brian Salchert And I believe Janice didn't want such either. from Blue Ledger, page 102 * 8-24-02 Although an individual willing to commit murder will usually espouse a "reason" for doing so, such a person-- being already beyond reason-- doesn't really need a reason for doing so. Brian Salchert from Blue Ledger, page 103 * 8-25-02 My God, such a frightful lot we are! Brian Salchert from Blue Ledger, page 103 Wednesday 2002-08-28 7:35am - Late morning yesterday I had to go the Ayers lab near AGH to have some blood drawn so the Dilantin level in my blood could be determined. Early afternoon yesterday I then had to go to my doctor's office so she could inspect what damage I had sustained/ and also ask me some important questions. Probably due to stress and overextension, I had had a third seizure, from which I awoke--my body at an angle on the floor with my head nearest the wall--about 11:33pm in this m/h. Because I was between the TV and the socket where I plug the nite-lite in, I have come to assume that plugging that light in was what I was doing when the seizure k/o'd me Monday night. Four consecutive hotel third shifts is still a bit more than my body these days is comfortable with. Still, my body mechanisms being as they are now, I do need to seriously pay attention when they are urging me to rest. Friday 2002-08-30 1:26pm - Whether I am totally at fault, partially at fault, or not at all at fault for Janice's death, her spirit has most definitely parted from her body; therefore, however valuable discussing the causes of that separation may be, I, here, am unequivocally alone; andit does not matter how strongly we argued or what each of us failed to grasp; her spirit has left its body, and I, here, am undeniably/ alone. Brian Salchert Sunday 2002-09-01 4:42pm - What a weekend this has been! Because I did not need to work these nights at the hotel, I went to Confession Saturday (first time since 10/08/01) and to Holy Mass today (first time in I do not know when). The sky now is darkening--the afternoon rain, it seems, is once again on its way. But I have been writing to a sister and a sister-in-law about specifics of these days, and I have been writing on my briansbrain2002 page in Tripod and on this autobio-p3 in ThirdAge; and I've been seeking that which/ could benefit me physically, mentally, emotionally, and (most of all) spiritually. As weak as I am, as weak as I have always been, the Father God, my Creator, has never ceased providing for me in ways far beyond what I believe I am worthy of. The priest who was my confessor, the priest who was the celebrant at the Mass I participated in today is/ a Jesuit. Had I not years ago tried to become a Jesuit, and had I not thereafter had a long connection wth a certain novice-mate who did and yet is a Jesuit, no special meaning at all would reside in this weekend's Catholic occurrences. Make of it what you will, I will ever wonder at it. The sky now has somewhat brightened again. No rain. No rain. Tuesday 2002-09-30 9:14pm - from 9-2-02 I told a certain sister-in-law/ some days after Janice had left her darkened body behind/ a spider had woven its residence underneath the dinette set we had (not for a long time) used, to which she promptly admonished & declared: "Do not kill it, Brian. It might be Janice." Checked off-balance by even the thought, I did allow the spider space; but kept a wary watch over it, noting how each day it would hide its lanky Aztecan body high up on the table's stem: a habit I got so familiar with that/ when I saw it had not done so several days, I began to wonder if this new Janice, too, had died, motionless--as it seemed to be--out in the body of its web. Along about the 7th day, I took a teasing stroke at it with "our" wooden yardstick. Still, it did not move. It wasn't until Sunday--September 1st, when somehow an ant (!) had gotten/ snagged near there, that the life in my spider flicked back on. Brian Salchert Thursday 2002-09-05 9:04am - See today's entry at Brian's Brain 2002. - Brian A. J. Salchert
Friday, February 15, 2008
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Edges of Knowledge Thursday 2002-07-25 - Today I remembered some other thoughts I spoke to Janice, especially about the card from here parents and youngest sister and her husband and their two daughters, and about the stuffed cat she liked to hold/ and was there for her, and about the 2 rosaries brought: her glow-in-the-dark one, and the one from her youngest sister which the Pope had blessed; and, I believe, this: "Janice, you, time upon time the smile of Joy, ... ... ... so be with God, and be with me." This afternoon, per my credit counselor this morning, I wrote a short letter to Janice's "whale card" bank, sending along/ a copy of her death certificate. This afternoon I received a letter of gratitude from The University of Florida College of Medicine "for the gift of the remains of your wife, Janice Salchert." This letter also included words of sympathy and a specially printed exceptional quotation from the widow of one of their donors. Friday 2002-07-26 - "Did you not know" that any problems you have in your life, any problems she or he has are all my fault? - This world as it is desires and requires persons/ with specific reliable levels of perfection. I am not such a person, though I do/ for the sake of this world/ and the sake of me in it/ continue to try to be. The types of perfection my spirit naturally strives for are only peripherally noted by this world as it is; are only in the stratospheres/ of caring prized. And even there, amateur that I often am, are seldom made much of. Brian Salchert from Blue Ledger, page 100 Sunday 2002-07-28 - Everything that didn't need to be, actually, I think, did need to be; after all, who knows/ better than God knows. Brian Salchert from Blue Ledger, page 101 Tuesday 2002-07-30 - How is it that I who am nothing or/ perhaps, even less than nothing continue to be blessed and blessed by that One Being Who is "Everything"? Brian Salchert from Blue Ledger, page 101 Wednesday 2002-07-31 8:38pm - After falling asleep for an "hour" in the middle of it, I moments ago completed the following letter to --------. Dear Representative: This letter is to inform you that the holder of account ....-....-....-.... is now deceased. I, Brian A. Salchert, her former husband, am sending along a copy of the Death Certificate of Janice M. Salchert. As to the $56.68 charge on the current statement, a representative of the company as ...-...-.... said it would be taken off in two or three billing cycles. Her death and the length of time before the current charge is reversed creates a conundrum. I await your company's resolution. Thank you, Brian A. Salchert Brian A. Salchert address phone # email address Tuesday 2002-08-06 9:54am - I just finished writing a letter I did not expect to write, but because of what I said in it, I have decided to show the body of it here. The last cat we had was a black-and-white outdoors cat, though Janice picked it up when it was yet a kitten. She (Suzee) was ill. We did what we needed to to return it to health, and we kept it in our mobile home; but we did not thereafter do what we ought to have done, and we spoiled it. *--------- ----------------. During the early night of July 18th, 2002, Janice died. There's a hole in my soul that will not heal, and I cannot pretend the donation herein will heal it. * ---------------- ----------. * Finally I felt it necessary to give Suzee up to animal control. Besides and because of our not doing right by her, I was convinced she could no longer be trusted. I don't here wish to reveal the details. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ In memory of Janice Marie Binnebose Salchert Godspeed, Brian Salchert Monday 2002-08-19 4:07pm - 8-18-02 No matter how much real good we have done: quietly, honestly, lovingly, there will always be (upon reflection) the feeling that we have not done enough. That is a condition of imperfection. Brian Salchert from Blue Ledger, page 101 * 8-18-02 Blessed Virgin, Blessed Trinity, if when Janice/ was shocked by that stroke, she did not know what to think or do-- I do not know what to think or do-- I can only pray she is okay, and is there with you. Brian Salchert from Blue Ledger, page 102 = = = Brian A. J. Salchert
Thursday, February 14, 2008
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Edges of Knowledge Thursday 2002-07-04 3:05pm - Welcome to the greatest nation on Earth, The United States of America, for what it's worth. If I were an entrepreneur, I would create my own nation; for that/ I believe/ is the only way I could fulfill (for me) the promise of "the pursuit of happiness." Life? Liberty? Yah. And don't tell me I don't know how good I've got it. I do know; and I also know I have had it good, too good, all my life. Not relevant to my "for what it's worth." Monday 2002-07-08 8:03pm - I have decided not to reveal the details, but this morning after 8/ I had to call 911 for her. She is now in SICU. Tuesday 2002-07-09 6:39pm - Janice, you, time upon time the smile of joy, I (as well as I am able) do love you; and can only guess at why you so often seem unable or unwilling to love your self/ even as I/ too often seem unable or unwilling to love my self. If I could have given you all you wanted, nay, all you needed, the sorrows abiding in our hearts would not be, would not be. But be as you wish; and God be with you, and be with me. Thursday 2002-07-11 7:42am - Why am I ever/ on the edge of knowing; so seldom/ really knowing until it's/ too late? 6:51pm - Looking for me? I say to you, traveler, do not look/ in the real world. Sunday 2002-07-14 6:39pm - My Janice When Janice was young, often she befriended those/ others were reluctant to, both for them and for herself. And I, for one, am pleased she did. And even though our lives together didn't progress as I hoped they would, and I was a sleepy-eyed disappointment, she was, and is, and will ever be my woman of night, my woman of light, my promise. - - - Dear God, You Who are always with us, even when we choose wrongly, please make our hearts such that we will be always with You. Thursday 2002-07-18 10:00pm - Janice, you, time upon time the smile of Joy, so be with God, and be with me. [ insert: - 7/12/02 Janice, it seems apparent I was not able to love you/ as well as/ I ought to have, but I did love you as well as I could and I do now/ and will continue to love you as well as I am able. Certainly Our Savior, Jesus Christ, loves us. Certainly, through Him, all are forgiven. So be in God. ] Friday 2002-07-19 7:17pm - Janice's spirit went home to heaven at 9:38pm the Shands at AGH people say-- about the time I was placing the 7/12/02 words above on this page. Definitely, I remember my cursor/ being in the lower left corner 1t 9:57pm, and that I (from an urge indefinable) slowly moved that cursor toward the top center of the screen with the angle of its rise sharpening as it went, and that I felt it represented so Janice's spirit ascending. And today I thought: So, go Janice, smile before God. I am sure He/ will be pleased. Wednesday 2002-07-24 6:55pm - The day Janice's spirit moved on, I visited her twice: once in the morning and once in the early evening. In the morning I did speak to her but not a lot, and I do not recall what I said. I do know I sat in a chair near her and silently prayed Mary's rosary. In the evening/ God gave my the courage/ to say more to her. I am certain I said what I had written on the 12th: Janice, it seems apparent I was not able to love you/ as well as/ I ought to have but I did love you as well as I could and I do now/ and will continue to love you as well as I am able. Certainly Our Savior, Jesus Christ, loves us. Certainly, through Him, all are forgiven. So be in God. And I did immediately thereafter say a "Hail Mary" to her. And although I was not with her the moment of her passing, at the time I decided to leave, I placed my left hand/ softly/ on her forehead, and said to her: "Good night, Janice." = = = Brian A. J. Salchert
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Edges of Knowledge Sunday 2002-05-05 6:45pm - While I cannot know the nature of your psyche, I do know--and am constantly learning more-- about the nature of my psyche. Sadly, one such piece of knowledge shows how easily stress unbalances me. Spates of anger (you may not realize) coming from/ someone as I, are not, actually, directed toward the situations, objects, persons they appear to be; but toward the ventor of those spates of anger. They are all, primordially, transferred epithets. They are all hurtful evidences of self-loathing. They are all representative of an ingrained psychological malignancy. Do I wish I were not so plagued. Absolutely. Monday 2002-05-13 7:26pm - Recently I became a member of The Confraternity of the Rosary. About one week ago I received from them some literature, among which was a novena announcement, with 18 possible intentions attached, with the 18th being Special Intentions. I am still attempting to form several relevant to me. I suspect I will be fiddling with the wording of these for some while yet. Roughly, the first is: That my psyche be healed as regards my getting "all bent out of shape" when I am forced by certain circumstances to expend time & energy hunting and fixing that which I feel I should not have had to deal with. In other words: Let me always remain calm, not matter what unexpected task comes my way. The second is: That The Blessed Virgin go to her Son, my Lord and Savior, to ask that any evils-- if any there are--others have wished befall me/ be negated. The third is: That I learn to carry those crosses I am given/ silently and joyfully. Wednesday 2002-05-15 7:24m - What a day today was! difficulty after difficulty! and from my end, failure after failure. I just don't know, God; I just don't know. Thursday 2002-05-16 12:20pm - Have I been irresponsible in my life? Yes, too often. Have I been a fool? Have I been an idiot? Yes. Am I smug about it? No. Thursday 2002-05-23 - Today I received a conclusions letter from Dr. M. D. of the Institute on Aging at the University of Florida regarding the project I participated in on Saturday, December 9th, 2000. From whatthis letter revealed, I could easily see how grandiose my goals were--and yet are--compared to most other eldering persons. I truly am a dreamer. Recently I have been taking online IQ tests with a view toward improving myself mentally. One such test I took, on which I scored 122, placed me in that site's Inspired Inventor group. Another such, which I took last night, surprisingly scoring 132, placed me in that site's Gifted Group and so among the top 5%, high enough to be invited to join that site's Society. Also, they had a section of questions wherein I was able to share my 1370 score on the one GRE exam I have taken, a score I will ever be pleased with no matter how many years I am allowed to live beyond JUN 09 1984. . . . . For whatever it means, I have scored from 100 to 153 on online IQ tests I have taken lately. Sadly, however intensely one dreams, however high one's IQ, if one does not have wisdom. . . . Sunday 2002-05-26 6:55pm - Back in the late mid 1960's, when I was enrolled in The University of Iowa's Writers' Workshop, I became convinced it was in what happens to the #'s we use as they move into the 3rd dimension that the proof of Fermat's Last Theorem exists; and-- the residing proof notwithstanding--I am still so convinced. That is why I found myself one day in Iowa U's Math Library/ constructing what I hoped would be the basis for a geometric proof; and that is why some thirty years later I found myself resdiscovering--as I latterly learned--Bernoulli's power sets. Given this, I tend to believe Fermat actually did/ provide a proof in a margin: that an extremely simple proof exists, one which keys on: the-nature-of-the- spaces between each other/ #'s are forced to// once they rise past the squares level. Tuesday 2002-06-11 5:20pm - I am just intelligent enough to want to do great things; yet, I am just lacking enough in intelligence to consistently feel I will never be able to do great things. Such frustration, I realize, may well ensure I will never do great things. Still, I do not cease to push forward, in this and that, to seek here to perfect a talent, and to seek there to find answers where it seems on the surface no answers can be found; I do not cease attempting to learn, create, and to share, always hoping my venturing so will not only be of value in itself, but also of value to attending others. Wednesday 2002-06-12 6:49pm - As somber as it was, due to our physical, psychical, and spiritual ailments, today is our 37th anniversary. Thursday 2002-06-13 8:53am - If to be truly an American, one needs to be an entrepreneur, I am not now nor am ever likely to be truly an American. Sunday 2002-06-30 6:11pm - What is my opinion of Rap Music? All too often it is Negatively Disruptive, and also Disrespectful, either in itself, and/or because of the behaviors it encourages-- due to its structure and content-- in those who are drawn to it. If I or you (for whatever reason(s)) disrespect any other, I or you therein allow any other to likewise disrespect you or me. - Brian A. J. Salchert
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Edges of Knowledge Tuesday 2002-01-01 11:11am - Some want to tell me what they see in my future; but what about what I see in my future? Is it effort, effort, effort, effort; and no results? Or have I forgotten what effort is? Or have I become incapable of whatever effort will be needed? Sunday 2002-01-06 6:42pm - I am as I am; yet I need to be cognizant of the presence of God and of God's graces; and, with the never-ending help of His presence & His graces, I must strive to be better than I am, to accomplish things of deep holy value, regardless of any recognition I get or don't get. - - 7pm - Self-pity is deadly. Monday 2002-01-21 11:53am - Remember, In spite of the fact I have a strongly pessimistic (melancholic) personality; in spite of the fact my words & actions are often deeply negative; in spite of the fact my wry humor serves as a cover for the anxiety and sadness gusting in me, every moment is God's moment; and so I pray. Friday 200-02-01 12:27pm - With special thanks to Dr. Phil McGraw and his current book, Self Matters These: Defining Moments Critical Choices Pivotal People I will be taking the time to list and meditate on mine. * In the first entry on this page I listed 10 goals, most of which cannot be reached by a certain time, but one of which, the 8th one, has been reached. * Although I have normally scored between 115 & 120 on IQ tests, on 09JUN84 I took a GRE exam at UF, scoring V740 & Q630. On 03AUG01, I learned that according to one online estimator those scores placed my IQ between 140.55 & 143.35 and thus in the percentile of 99.657. Toot, toot! I'm sorry, too many beans, I guess; but--yes--I would--and then some. * So often, by certain persons I have lived with over the years, have I gotten reprimanded for not being perfectly practical in this and that situation, that several moments ago I finally said: Maybe I should have been put in an institution shortly after I was born (so as not to be an annoyance and disappointment). Monday 2002-02-04 1:14pm - (the following was written on 02/02/02) I am an inveterate perfectionist: (mostly in things others could give a diddle about); I am an inveterate complainer: (mostly about things others could give a diddle about); and/ I suspect I know why. Born. The traits I was born with (mental/emotional/physical) coupled with the influence of societal mores impinging on me of non-human things / become my balm & my poison. Too, too sensitive, I am probably a borderline manic-depressive. Without Jesus there is no redemption. Monday 200-02-25 2:53pm - Yesterday, it occurred to me, I (along with certain others) have an on-edge personality. Wednesday 2002-03-04 2:27pm - O Lord, I am such a wreck, such a wreck! Wednesday 2002-05-01 11:36am - The following is a poem I found in a folder yesterday, a poem written in the mid 1980's when I was a student under Donald Justice at The University of Florida. Angle of Vision Ready to travel the miles north, we two, about to part another time, twice kiss; i do not walk her to the door; but from the bedroom watch until she's back in view three stories below and sits upon her red suitcase so placed on the main walk the patio's post eclipses them, and with her await the maroon taxi & move the suitcase back a little & pace & check the time and open its door & lift onto its back seat the troubling case & get in & look up & smile & wave & wave & smile because we want to because we can. Sunday 02-05-05 5:56pm - Lord, Jesus, through each this moment along the Way, thank You for Your gifts today. = = = Brian A. J. Salchert
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
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Edges of Knowledge Thursday 2001-02-15 6:12pm - God save me. Tuesday 2001-04-03 5:12pm - If there is a way, a right way for me to go, let me find it. Tuesday 2001-04-10 - Find me, oh Lord, Lost as I am. Find me, oh Lord; rescue this lamb. In the fields, In the yards, In the streams, Find me, oh Lord. Find me, oh Lord. Make wise my dreams. Friday 2001-06-08 - Reality. Reality, Brian. Do you know what it is? Sunday 2001-07-01 4:55pm - Thank You, God, for every moment of my life; but I simply cannot make it as a worthwhile human in this current fast-paced world. Every time I am under pressure in a business environment I find I am almost always unable to make right decisions. Actually, my ability to make right decisions is in general markedly weak. --- Wisdom: it is as if that gift for me is only mine in a dream. --- Therefore, God, since it appears that if I have a passion for anything, it is a passion for writing; so writing is what I am going to concentrate on. I realize that even in so doing I may be wasting my time, may be making another poor decision; but, You tell me, what else can I do? Wednesday 2001-07-04 12:32pm - All the horrid errors I have made. Just how many are there? And are they all forgivable? Thursday 2001-07-05 11:53am - God, what a serendipitous morning You provided me at Mainstreet Chevrolet while my '98 Metro LSI was getting its 7500-mile checkup/ what with the presence of the blue convertible Corvair there on the showroom floor to immediately remind me of that day long ago when I was one of several in Jack F's Corvair ripping along at 110mph on the highway east of Lake Winnebago with the lake flies plastering the windshield and the lot of us totally amazed we made it to our destination; and then with the terminal presence of the salesman to whom I (as I had hoped to do) related that incident in my life, and then spoke to about facts pertinent to me current situation, and then from whom I received some valuable advice regarding my attempt to secure disability status; and then with the surprise presence of two former neighbors--Nick and Frances (though I could not recall her name)--sitting on a bench when I went back outside to wait for my auto, and with whom I then also sat and there conversed! Thursday 2001-07-12 5:05pm - I want to create in my life a place where, using the intelligence and talents I have been given, I can deepen my intelligence and uncover new talents, and thereby secure sustenance and find fulfillment. Does this mean I am going to set aside those talents which I believe are my central talents? No. * The healings I want to occur are the healings I have been praying to the Holy Spirit for: the healings of my spirit, my mind, my heart. * The situations I want to change are: my current desperate financial state, my constant feeling of -10 worth, and my continuing inability to make wise choices. * For the source of the self-examing above see Patricia Gift's interview of Gary Quinn at www.OneSpirit.com and see also Gary Quinn's book, May the Angels Be with You. Friday 2001-07-27 11:54am - I am as I am. Yet who I am I do not know. Friday 2001-08-03 9:27am - It may be, Lord, that not any of my "creations" will be accorded the status: worthy of remembering; but You know and I know that such is far less important than the manner in which I live each moment I am given, the worthiness of my love during those moments. Tuesday 2001-09-11 6:25pm - In my efforts to be more responsible, I, over a number of years, proved myself to be more irresponsible because I failed to sufficiently understand who I am, and therefore made many foolish choices instead of many wise choices; and so destroyed what little solvency I did have, and so further weakened my mental instability, and so placed sharper stresses upon my spirit. ....... The twin towers of the World Trade Center are no more, and a portion of the Pentagon is no more; but those losses are nothing compared to even one of/ the human lives/ no longer among us. Thursday 2001-10-04 2:16pm - It is 11:11, and the full moon Blessed Trinity, make me to care about Janice without getting upset at her; make me to care about life without getting upset. Make me to find joy in caring. 10-31-01 BAS (&, while on WUFT-FM's Night Bridge, as if magically, George Winston with "Give Me Your Pains") Brian Salchert Friday 2001-10-12 4:04pm - The Alexander Technique (the importance of the mind and the body working in consort with each other) www.alexandertechnique.com/articles/spirituality - - - 1. Ego formation in Western Civilization (the separation of the mind from the body and the ascendancy of the mind over the body) 2. One's mental abilities and physical ailments 3. One's personality traits and the need to cope with life's stresses 4. Fear of insufficiency no matter how concertedly one strives 5. Joy and the fullness of one's spirit Monday 2001-10-29 1:09pm - 10/28/01 As to perfection, Jesus promotes it strongly; but I, no matter how strongly I desire to be perfect, do not expect to ever be perfect because I lack the necessary attributes. Oh, I have/ at times come close/ in ultimately insignificant ways such as (if I remember correctly) my twice bowling a 279. Notably,' though, unhappily, on the negative side, is my annoying penchant for voicing my displeasure when some thing aggravates me--and some thing does exceedingly often aggravate me. Such self-pity! Such false pride! As if, as one close to me says, I think I am perfect and therefore must be exempt from making any errors, I, who have made far more grievous errors (choices) than most. Teach me, Jesus, to cultivate silence, sincerity, simplicity. Wednesday 2001-11-07 10:30am - The other day it occurred to me that often when I become angry I immediately blame some one or some thing when indeed it is I who am at fault. - - - (Deep psychological wounds are extremely difficult to heal.) Tuesday 2001-11-13 around 10am - O Blessed Virgin, what ever am I going to do? I am so tightly wound. Every mishap / every interruption ticks me tighter. Each day/ I am replacing one or more springs. Remember/ how often I've said: If I had a brain, it would kill me? Please sue for peace in me. Friday 2001-12-28 3:09pm - Guardian, I am such a dolt, such a wretched underachiever, angel. Be happy in the Lord? Rejoice in the Lord? Maybe for a second, a minute; or if I am lucky, an hour or so. I so need to meet the challenges, God in His wisdom allows me to face. Certainly, you and God (sometimes directly and sometimes not) have numerous times saved me: allowed this body to continue on, this mind, this heart, this spirit. Angel, thank you for what you have done for me and for what you are doing as I stumble through my darknesses, guardian. Monday 2001-12-31 2pm - New Year's Eve What matters is how each day we meet the challenges which come our way. Therefore I (so quicly astray) moment on moment, for right choosing, pray. Brian Salchert = = = Brian A. J. Salchert